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[ She squeezes back, encouraging and supporting all in one, waiting patiently while her surge of emotion crests and passes. She's glad to have made her laugh though; sometimes humor is the only answer to a tragedy like this, for however brief it can be. ]

You needn't put on airs here, not ever with any of us. Besides, I'd rather you not collapse, even if you're already on the ground with me.

Oh -

[ She gives a little shake of her head. ]

Um...not that sort of collapse. I mean, like, I actually collapsed. In on myself.

[ Her eyebrows draw down. ]

I'm not sure I understand.

I can show you, I guess. Sort of. It's kind of...Here.

[ She takes a breath and closes her eyes and concentrates. For a moment, there's a ripple as elements of her former appearance creep in - her hair darkens, her skin smooths. And then her outlines begin to tremble, shakily, like ripples on the surface of a pond. Her features grow less distinct, less humanlike - and then with a ripple of magic, she dissolves instead into a cloud of formless, gaseous, multicolored vapor. After a moment, the smoke draws together in a loose sphere and sighs - ]

Like that.

[ Now she jumps a the form change with Kitty's hands she was holding literally going up in a puff of smoke. ]

Good God—that doesn't hurt you, does it?

No.

[ Slowly, the smoke grows dense, solidifies, reconstitutes itself into a little blue dragonfly. ]

It doesn't feel like anything, really. It's just frustrating. I don't know why it is that my own face, of all things, should be hard to find...

[ She holds out her finger for Kitty to land on; no sense in making her flutter around when she could be resting. ]

Can I ask ... what happened, exactly? Did Lucifer cause this to happen to you?

Not really. Not...directly.

[ She gives a little flutter of her translucent wings. ]

When I was killed, I was Ported home. I don't know if I would have been Ported home anyway, or if my death was a trigger for it...It was what happened at home that's caused this, I think.

... Is it something you'd rather not talk about?

No. Um - it's all right. Just...

So - do you know about who I am? Who I was. In terms of...rebelling against my government.

Only in vague terms, really. Gregor didn't want to say anything you didn't want to tell me yourself.

[ An acknowledging little flutter of her wings. And then a flicker of magic, and she becomes human again, returning to her previous state. Her face is grave and sad. Her voice is quiet. ]

My world is - was - is a broken one. One that I've been trying my whole life to fix. Thousands of years ago, humans discovered how to summon spirits from a world of magic called the Other Place, and things have been wretched ever since. Rather than living in harmony with those spirits, humans enslaved them, forced them to do their bidding. Forced them to build grand civilizations, sprawling empires that would in time simply crumble and fall.

I grew up in one of those empires. The British Empire was built on the backs of enslaved spirits and oppressed commoners, and nearly all my life I've been fighting against that. Last night - [ A faint expression of puzzlement flits across her face, because it wasn't last night, not exactly... ] Back home, I should say, before I came here, I rather...prevailed in that fight. Not in a way I'd have liked. Not in the way I'd longed for. But...the empire crumbled. But for that to happen... [ A little breath. ] Sacrifices had to be made.

[ She gestures to herself. ]

I used a magical ritual to travel to the Other Place. The world of spirits. To find allies. But...It did change me. And that's why I look as I do now. The life was drawn out of me by that journey.

[ Cordelia takes Kitty's hands again almost immediately, wanting to offer that simple human comfort for her.

She squeezes her hand at the last of her explanations, quietly absorbing that for a moment before she asks, ] Is there no way to ... reverse it? Or heal in some way? Gain back the vitality you once had?

I don't know.

[ She squeezes back, gently. Or maybe weakly. And then she confesses: ]

If there were...I don't know if I would.

No? [ Her eyebrows raise with the question, surprised and curious. ]

It doesn't seem right, does it.

[ She says that very softly. Her voice trembles just a little. ]

All of them...dead. Making that sacrifice. And me...Just going back to normal? It wouldn't be right.

You would be living for them, [ She replies firmly. ] Continuing to go on so that their sacrifices were not made in vain. Living your life because they strived for it to happen.

[ She gives a little shake of her head, looking down at her hands. ]

They made those sacrifices because I talked them into it.

[ Her voice remains firm, but gentle, ] Sounds to me they chose to do it on their own. You were just that convincing.

Mm.

[ She looks down at her hands. No...No. If she hadn't been there - if she hadn't harangued and lectured them into working together - Nathaniel and Bartimaeus...They'd not have been there. They'd not have sacrificed themselves.

And the whole of London would be destroyed, too. How about that? ]

I don't know. It's probably...There's probably no cure for it, right? I mean - Miles' condition...Healing magic hasn't helped with that, has it?

I'm not that familiar with magic other than what's in fairy tales. And I can't speak to Miles either, not knowing what he's gotten into here, but I'll bet he's already looking too.

Right. Maybe we could team up in the search.

That would be perfect. Taking that energy of Miles and making sure to point him in the direction you want to go? I'm sure you'll find an answer in no time.

[ That brings a smile to her face. ]

True. I expect he wouldn't rest until he found a solution - not even out of concern, necessarily, but just 'cause he needs to find solutions.

Definitely out of concern as well as needing solutions.

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rathercommon - 2016-03-12 14:39 (UTC) - Expand